Sometimes I wonder if I still have the ability to love if the opportunity were to come knocking at the door again. It's not love itself that scares me. It's the memories that comes with it after that does.
It hurts, Josh. I thought I was the only one who'd experienced it, but apparently Will did/does too. Hugs to Will. He always have the ability to find words to my feelings.
It's like someone ripped your heart out and squeezed it again and again, said I. And play ping pong with it, added Will. Imagine that, for almost five years, the hurt, the pain, the memories. It's always there to squeeze me right it the heart when I expect it the least. If only I can turn back in time and change everything. What was I thinking even? We were never meant to be together.
Now it's just me and my memories of Will. It lurks, it creeps, it haunts. It's driving me anxious. I'm scared, Josh. Scared that I'm going into depression myself. The mood swings and all... Trying to toughen myself now. Keep a hold of myself. Be strong for Wendy at the least if not Will. Bless the girl. She's one tough one. :D
Ran for Wendy today and now my right foot is hurting once more. I'd do it again though. I'd do it. No hesitation. It's always a wonder what you'd do for those you come to love, and to those you've come to hate. That's me I guess. Always at the extreme. I wish I don't dislike people to the extreme so much. Well at least keep my opinions to myself. Sigh...
I don't mind loving people a lot though, even when it hurts when they turn to leave. I'm probably numb to that by now. One day Wendy might too. Will said I've been protecting her too much and it will prohibit her from growing. But didn't Will did so too for JW? Will doesn't know I've been exposing Wendy to the dark side of the world now and again though. How to deal with stuffs, thinking what people's motives are and all... She'll come to fear me when the time comes. Too crafty, Josh, I'm too crafty to be a friend.
But someone has to, Josh. Might as well toughen her up before reality hits her like a rucksack. It's a whole new world out there, very much complex, complicated. It's a sacrifice I'm making willingly. Just as I'd do anything for Will, for Wei Wei, for Jenn Hong, Alvin and you. Don't get me wrong though. I don't love you now as I did back then. It's just that you hold a special place in my heart. I see the heartbreaks around me, hear of the disloyalty, and I'm grateful. Grateful that you did it nobly. Too many things I've owed you Josh. Thanks, thank you and thank you.
See you when I see you,