I remember how I was shy and scared, unable to move outside the boat when I was in the middle of the ocean alone. In that dream I felt this same feeling of being lost yet still rowing my boat just to get an inch past my current stagnation.
I feel guilty. I feel scolded. I feel devalued. I feel insecure. Ruminations and impulsive decisions make my demons come swell up on top of my forehead creating my little horns.
I don't want to die in sadness and depression though. I want to pack up and leave the Earth with accomplishments and wildest dreams that came true.
However these feelings I have not given the chance to be felt kept resurfacing and irritating my peace.
My swollen feet keep walking but my heart no longer wants to be the engine. Sometimes after these thought cycles I wonder if I do not really have the right to feel this way because others like my parents have gone further and through worse.
And if I demand what I want from the heavens they would procrastinate on it because I missed doing ONE or two or a little more things, over what good things I think I have done.
My patience was promised to be rewarded but rewards come in packages brought by old owls almost unable to fly in winter.
Will I ever be able to get past perfectionists?
I can not but I must be able to stand on my feet even through the dark clouds. I think my existence alone is proof of God's immense love and forgiveness just as much as his jealousness and sternness.
I for one must really come from the pits of fire, given a chance to live in this mire.
I wish I could be back to heaven after all these lives.